2015

I didn't even remember that I started this blog until I was looking for a new place to put words to paper. (Paper here meaning computer paper.)

I'm not starting 2015 with a resolution to keep a blog. This has never worked for me in the past, talking about my feelings or my life is not my first instinct. I did, however, resolve to write at least 500 words a day. No restrictions, lengthy emails even count toward this word count resolution. Today I choose the blog.

I had high hopes for 2015 but no super concrete resolutions. I figured today was the day for making those. There were even plans to check out my once favorite coffee shop and do some writing. The best laid plans. It took just a few moments upon waking to realizing that today was not going to go as planned.

One crippling migraine later and my entire first day of 2015 is gone. Productive plans traded in for dark rooms, sleep and pain medication. Woo.

Anyway, I do have high hopes for 2015. I spent a lot of time in 2014 crying about things that were out of my control. My sister. My family. I thought that was going to be a list but that’s pretty much everything.

I don’t know what that looks like. A happier year. Full of things I’m proud of. I just know that I’m going to try. On the flip side I’m not going to kick myself for what I don’t accomplish.

With that, I’m going to be half with half my 500 words and go to bed. We’ll see what another day holds.

This whole blogging once a week thing really just epically failing. As a writer you would think that it would be second nature for me to want to sit down and write about my feelings or what I did today or whatever but that's never been something I was good at. I've always really liked the idea of of keeping a diary - I've got several from my teenage years to prove it - but they always just sat on my shelves looking cute with two up to like fifteen entries in each of them.

I had my MRI today so in a few days (or two weeks - that parts unclear to me) I should find out if I'm dying. Which is good, I suppose. I spent 200 dollars down to have the MRI and I'll owe more when my insurance bills me so it's not that I want something to be wrong with me but they also better come back with a reason for the headaches and the weird pressure I get or I'll be out a couple hundred dollars and pissed. Not that I've got my fingers crossed for brain cancer or anything...this is coming out oddly. Moving on.

I sometimes feel like I don't process emotions the right way, like I don't realize I'm feeling a certain way until whatever feeling I'm repressing just can no longer be repressed and comes bursting forward. I don't realize I'm annoyed with someone until their habit is just too unbearable (this is in regards to people close to me - the people that I don't know annoy me on a daily basis). Or just this whole MRI possible head issues I have a friend who's super worried about it (I know everyone's a bit worried about it) but this friend in particularly is being really sweet and concerned but it kind of makes me take a step back and say, um, should I be more worried? It is my brain after all. Oddly I'm really not - what's the point in worrying about it now anyway I have to wait for the doctor to call to set up my results appointment.

Not much else to say really, sad to see my three day weekend and head back to work tomorrow though :(

So I started this blog with good intentions a year ago. You know to blog get my positive thoughts out and just use it as an avenue to say what I needed to say. Then, to be honest, I really think I completely forgot about my idea of keeping a blog. Oops.

A lot has change in the last year. My eight posts are all about living with my sister and how I never thought I would be able to live not with family. That's the biggest change in the last year I guess, I no longer live with my sister and brother and law. That's such a yay thing I just don't really have a way to fully explain it. I'm living with one of my oldest friends and it's working out really well.

I control a lot of aspects of my life right now. I know that sounds really, really strange. It's not like I had someone pulling puppet strings for my life before. I didn't, I've always been a fairly independent person . I started off this year make twelve steps to a better me and spent a lot of time focusing on aspects of myself that I want to improve and I think that is making me a bit of a control freak....

For example: my health. Here are a list of things that I've month by month (with a bunch thrown in this month) cut completely out of my life: fried foods, fast food, diet coke, pork, high fructose corn syrup and artificial sweetener of any kind. I light exercise thirty minutes a day and start every morning with a healthy breakfast (no donuts and poptarts here). The epitome of health right? We'll see.

I'm wondering though if I'm becoming a bit of a control freak. I've always been a bit of one, I like to do things my way. This is a fairly pointless blog. Oh well, what can I say? My life is fairly drama free and boring these days. Am going to try and end these blogs on a positive note so let's see if I can think of something good to end this with.

I've got it (it took a couple moments pause but maybe blogging and keeping these things saved up for when I blog will help me notice things more.) I'm reading Water for Elephants and then I'm lending it to my mom to read so that we can do see the movie. I know that sounds a bit odd thing to be excited about, it's fairly common thing but it's not for me and my mom. We have very little common ground, she's a lot closer with my sister, so I'm excited for us to read the book and see the movie and discuss like I do with so many of my friends.

Entry Eight

I'm an opinionated person. Maybe because my mom is one. Maybe it's because I'm a Leo, regardless I have a lot of opinions and don't really like to keep them to myself. On the flip side my mother instilled me with a sense of manners that are pretty deeply ingrained that I don't even think about crossing certain lines, well I think about it obviously but I would never in a million years do it. Like telling off an older person, even if they deserve.

Pair that with the fact that I think it's soothing to write letters to people if you don't ever mean to send them. So here we go.

Listen lady,
My mom was nice to you, because she doesn't know you well and she just hears how much you suck through us. She doesn't feel like she has the right to step in beyond telling you to back the hell off of her daughters, but I know you well enough and I know all the shit you've put your daughters through. Where the hell do you get off passing judgement on kicking your daughter out when you did it first? We took her in when you decided that you just couldn't handle being a mother and a decent human being anymore. For two months we put up with someone taking up space and hot water and changing where we kept the air and a million and other because you couldn't be an actual mom and deal with your daughter. Instead you're too busy drinking and making an idiot out of yourself, I've seen my mother drunk exactly once in my entire life - I've had Becky reference you being drunk more times lately then she's referenced something you said sober (unless it was something she was reminding you said when you were drunk). So stop judging and be a mom.

Entry Seven

I do not handle disappointment well. Which I think probably goes without saying for, you know, every single person on the entire planet. No one likes to be disappointed, no one likes to have people back out of plans and it's human nature to want to get your own way.

I just have a really hard time letting things go, anything not just disapointment until I am good and ready. So I've been pouting for the last six hours over the house that we will not be renting. It was the perfect house, I mean perfectly perfect. All tile in the living areas and wood in the bedrooms. Four bed, two bath perfect. No cleaning deposits, no pet fees nothing. Except turns out the landlady is allergic to cats so it's a no go. Seeing as how we currently have 9 of them, we just assumed she was so cool about the dogs why the hell would the cats be a problem. Severe allergy.

Fail. It just sucks so I am still pouting over it because I want to get my own way always. I am afterall human. I've always been like this though, if people cancel plans or changed things around I'd flip. Maybe that's something to work on.

So I'm going to brush my teeth and let this go and go to bed and wake up tomorrow and just find another house I love more then that one.

Entry Six

I found out today that a couple that I baby-sit for split up. It's seriously just so sad. These are two of my favorite people in the world and for three years I baby-sat for them on a weekly basis so that they could maintain a weekly date night. Now Mom and the two little girls that I watched grow up are living off of the street and they spend every other weekends with Dad. It just makes me so sad, I don't really know why I'm surprised my mom's been divorced twice and both sets of grandparents are divorced but I've never really seen a couple that I really like split up.

Not that separation means divorce.

Still sad.

Not to mention I always feel guilty about everything no matter how ridiculous and I can't help but wonder if I was sitll there and giving them there night out a week if it would be better. Not that one thing can save a marriage - but when there are two people who have very busy work careers and they don't have time to be together and be husband and wife and more then just mom and dad and whatever that can't be good. I know for real it's not my fault but you can't help wondering these things you know?

You never know how things in your life effect other peoples - not totally anyway there's no way to know for sure what decision you make will set things in motion for other people. There's always karma and people always think about that - but I'm talking about more then that. I'm talking beyond doing bad things and bad things happening in return just a simple case of action and reaction.

I think I'm repeating myself so I'll end this and go to bed. Boo - work tomorrow, why is that days off always seem to go by ridiculously fast?

Entry Five

Why are things so hard to say in person? Why is it easier to deliver bad news or ask an awkward question via one of the many (many) ways we have to communicate that aren't face to face. I ask only because my roommates are feuding via written notes, which makes me vaguely feel like I'm back in the fifth grade again. Not that I blame them, I am the worst at avoiding asking/saying uncomfortable things in person or even over the phone.

It's just funny because it's soo easy now to find another way to communicate that I wonder if that is only making the situation of people not being able ot communicate face to face harder.

Sometimes I do think it's easier (as middle school as it seems) to get everything good out in a letter. It gives you time to put down exactly what you want to say without risk of being interrupted and I do strongly believe that sometimes when you put things down on paper it just makes you feel better. It's a coping method I stand strongly behind.

But seriously think about all the ways you could not fight face to face with your roommate: You could take mind and write notes. There's facebook, twitter, myspace, email, text and all the while they are managing to maintain this very friendly demeanor to one another, is it healthy holding that in? I can tell you it's uncomfortable for those of us who know that they are fighting but aren't actually fighting.

As my brother-in-law would say "a-w-k-ward radio." Yeah awkward. Also that's awkward if you don't know my bil and haven't heard the tone he uses to say it. Nonetheless I have a pro to this whole not fighting in public thing. They really are getting to say the things that they aren't bale to say when they are screaming at each other - because they tried that this weekend and it was mostly just a lot of underhanded comments and shouting of swear words, where is that getting anyone.

Mostly, I'm just hoping to avoid world war three in my apartment because really I do like having an extra person to pay bills with. This is me, remember? Not able to live a totally grown up life. Roomies forever, I guess I should just get used to it.