Entry Eight

I'm an opinionated person. Maybe because my mom is one. Maybe it's because I'm a Leo, regardless I have a lot of opinions and don't really like to keep them to myself. On the flip side my mother instilled me with a sense of manners that are pretty deeply ingrained that I don't even think about crossing certain lines, well I think about it obviously but I would never in a million years do it. Like telling off an older person, even if they deserve.

Pair that with the fact that I think it's soothing to write letters to people if you don't ever mean to send them. So here we go.

Listen lady,
My mom was nice to you, because she doesn't know you well and she just hears how much you suck through us. She doesn't feel like she has the right to step in beyond telling you to back the hell off of her daughters, but I know you well enough and I know all the shit you've put your daughters through. Where the hell do you get off passing judgement on kicking your daughter out when you did it first? We took her in when you decided that you just couldn't handle being a mother and a decent human being anymore. For two months we put up with someone taking up space and hot water and changing where we kept the air and a million and other because you couldn't be an actual mom and deal with your daughter. Instead you're too busy drinking and making an idiot out of yourself, I've seen my mother drunk exactly once in my entire life - I've had Becky reference you being drunk more times lately then she's referenced something you said sober (unless it was something she was reminding you said when you were drunk). So stop judging and be a mom.

Entry Seven

I do not handle disappointment well. Which I think probably goes without saying for, you know, every single person on the entire planet. No one likes to be disappointed, no one likes to have people back out of plans and it's human nature to want to get your own way.

I just have a really hard time letting things go, anything not just disapointment until I am good and ready. So I've been pouting for the last six hours over the house that we will not be renting. It was the perfect house, I mean perfectly perfect. All tile in the living areas and wood in the bedrooms. Four bed, two bath perfect. No cleaning deposits, no pet fees nothing. Except turns out the landlady is allergic to cats so it's a no go. Seeing as how we currently have 9 of them, we just assumed she was so cool about the dogs why the hell would the cats be a problem. Severe allergy.

Fail. It just sucks so I am still pouting over it because I want to get my own way always. I am afterall human. I've always been like this though, if people cancel plans or changed things around I'd flip. Maybe that's something to work on.

So I'm going to brush my teeth and let this go and go to bed and wake up tomorrow and just find another house I love more then that one.

Entry Six

I found out today that a couple that I baby-sit for split up. It's seriously just so sad. These are two of my favorite people in the world and for three years I baby-sat for them on a weekly basis so that they could maintain a weekly date night. Now Mom and the two little girls that I watched grow up are living off of the street and they spend every other weekends with Dad. It just makes me so sad, I don't really know why I'm surprised my mom's been divorced twice and both sets of grandparents are divorced but I've never really seen a couple that I really like split up.

Not that separation means divorce.

Still sad.

Not to mention I always feel guilty about everything no matter how ridiculous and I can't help but wonder if I was sitll there and giving them there night out a week if it would be better. Not that one thing can save a marriage - but when there are two people who have very busy work careers and they don't have time to be together and be husband and wife and more then just mom and dad and whatever that can't be good. I know for real it's not my fault but you can't help wondering these things you know?

You never know how things in your life effect other peoples - not totally anyway there's no way to know for sure what decision you make will set things in motion for other people. There's always karma and people always think about that - but I'm talking about more then that. I'm talking beyond doing bad things and bad things happening in return just a simple case of action and reaction.

I think I'm repeating myself so I'll end this and go to bed. Boo - work tomorrow, why is that days off always seem to go by ridiculously fast?

Entry Five

Why are things so hard to say in person? Why is it easier to deliver bad news or ask an awkward question via one of the many (many) ways we have to communicate that aren't face to face. I ask only because my roommates are feuding via written notes, which makes me vaguely feel like I'm back in the fifth grade again. Not that I blame them, I am the worst at avoiding asking/saying uncomfortable things in person or even over the phone.

It's just funny because it's soo easy now to find another way to communicate that I wonder if that is only making the situation of people not being able ot communicate face to face harder.

Sometimes I do think it's easier (as middle school as it seems) to get everything good out in a letter. It gives you time to put down exactly what you want to say without risk of being interrupted and I do strongly believe that sometimes when you put things down on paper it just makes you feel better. It's a coping method I stand strongly behind.

But seriously think about all the ways you could not fight face to face with your roommate: You could take mind and write notes. There's facebook, twitter, myspace, email, text and all the while they are managing to maintain this very friendly demeanor to one another, is it healthy holding that in? I can tell you it's uncomfortable for those of us who know that they are fighting but aren't actually fighting.

As my brother-in-law would say "a-w-k-ward radio." Yeah awkward. Also that's awkward if you don't know my bil and haven't heard the tone he uses to say it. Nonetheless I have a pro to this whole not fighting in public thing. They really are getting to say the things that they aren't bale to say when they are screaming at each other - because they tried that this weekend and it was mostly just a lot of underhanded comments and shouting of swear words, where is that getting anyone.

Mostly, I'm just hoping to avoid world war three in my apartment because really I do like having an extra person to pay bills with. This is me, remember? Not able to live a totally grown up life. Roomies forever, I guess I should just get used to it.

Entry Four

They say that change doesn't happen overnight. I think this is one of those truths that's not always true, it's a generalization that people like to tack onto subjects like weight loss and changing men. But I do think there are somethings that suddenly just click and you're a little different. Let me explain.

We spend six hours in the car today looking at houses for rent (add that to the three hours we spent yesterday and that's 9 hours). Now don't get me wrong I love to look at houses, it's something I get a lot of joy out of. Even just for a minor oneshot I would look up the house for whatever character I was currently writing I love them. That's not what we were doing today, we were literally driving around (we did probably nearly 100 miles in a 20 mile radius) and looking for houses with signs that said for Rent or Lease. We got to see in side of one actually house we could consider renting. I've never been car sick in my entire life and I seriously thought that I was going to die, I was not having fun from the start and I felt like crap.

Now the old me would have complained about it until we opted out of doing it and found something else to do. Today I just sucked it up and did it because that's what everyone else was having such a grand time doing. And I've found myself doing that just a little bit more. It's not a huge change by any means but it's a little change and I think it's cool, it's sudden I've only started noticing it the last couple of days but I think it's pretty cool.

Aww, little ol' me is growing up.

It's funny really sometimes I still wonder what it will be like when I'm all grown up - and 5 years ago I would have said this is grown up. We were joking today that I was going to live with Emily and Sean forever and I think at the rate I'm going I will be living with them forever. I'm not really sure how a person makes it on their own in this world without being married. I don't mean that from the, oh I feel so lonely perspective. I just mean, how do you afford to be a grown up all by yourself. It's like that Savage Garden song, Affirmation "I believe the fight for financial freedom isn't fair".

So, yes I'm ending this blog with lyrics only because now I love this song and I've had to put it on itunes.

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe you’re most attractive features are your heart and soul.
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Entry Three

Today was so slow at work today that I was convinced that I had come up with so many things to blog about today but then of course as I sit down to write this my brain has moved on into a completely different direction - sometimes I do really think that I should be tested for ADHD - although I really don't think that before I can really get absorbed into things - really I know the truth my brain just moves waaay faster then anyone else. Hello? Have you ever tried to follow my conversations? I change topics without even letting the person I'm talking to know that we've changed.

This, by the way, is not the point of today's blog.

The point of today's blog is that I'm terrified of being normal. I know, I'm far from normal I get way to addicted to the most random things and I'm 23 and have never dated and I live with my sister and her husband. None of these things are particularly normally but it's still not want I want.

Sometimes I worry that 10 years from now I'll be settled and married with kids and probably still at Discover but working my way up and life will be ok. There's nothing wrong with that life, isn't that what everyone wants? I know my Mom said that that was all she wanted once, the Leave it to Beaver life. Six months ago that would have terrified me now the part that worries me is that I'm kind of accepting of that. That that is the natural order of things, people get married and they have kids and they have normal lives. They don't publish books and make movies and that a part of growing up is accepting that.

Ick. I used to be so convinced that that wasn't the life I was going to live. That I was going to stay single and write PG and the world would be as such. That's still the life I want so badly, to be that famous author but I have doubts. Although I suppose JK Rowling didn't think she was going to be who she is now. Regardless.

I realize this post is making no sense and here I go again changing gears. Even as I resign myself to the fact that I'm just going to have that normal average life I know that wont happen. Not because I have faith that I'm going to get the life I want but because somehow I know that I'm just never going to get that average life. Sometimes I think that that's because I'm not going to live that long, morbid I know and it's ick to think about because no one likes to think about dying young. But I also don't want to be that person who can't stand on her own two feet, living with her sister and her husband. My aunt still lives with my Gma and Gpa - granted she got married and had kids and then was living with them, but in forty years is that going to be me?

I hate uncertainty. I want to be able to believe in PG that it really is as great as what I built it up in my head, but all authors love their books and only so many of them get published. Fewer still become best-sellers. But I leave this blog with this one uplifting thing:

Stephenie Meyer got published right?

Just saying.

Entry Two

So I'm starting today off with a rant because it's a current botherance and then I have a topic that is less rant-y. What is with the world and headphones, why is it that whenever you slip your pink ear buds in everyone in the world decides that they want to talk to you? Seriously, I can be sitting at my computer doing useless things and the instant I put my new comfy ear buds in and everyone in the apartment wants to talk to me. About stupid things, why are we asking me stupid questions when I've obviously decided that I don't want to be a part of the group. I only play well with others when I want to, ear buds go and you're going to get single word answers buddy, deal with it.

Ugh.

Anyway, rant officially over. For now anyway I'm sure I will write something that will remind me of something else I want to rant about and we'll go off on a rant shaped tangent.

Today though I would just like to marvel on nice people, because I really don't get them at all. As far as I can tell there are three levels of nice people (hereafter called NiP). There are the NiP that try way to hard and just end up being mocked by, like everyone around them. They say hello too many times, they use your name too many times and just overall kind of make everyone want to avoid them. Except for the second level of NiP. Those are the people that you just genuinely thinks are so sweet. Like this guy at work he just moved to the desk right behind me and seriously I think he's just the nicest guy, and he gave me a bag of oranges today and my body that is desperately fighting a cold thanks him because they are so yummy.

But every time I encounter a NiP I always think about myself. Because I would slot myself into the 3rd level of NiP (this I also refer to as the big fakers). You know the kind that everyone just thinks is soo sweet and then a swear word slips out and people look shocked. I'm that kind of NiP, my mother raised me to be incredibly respectful of people around you but I'm also the queen of having an opion and critisism, I jsut know when, how and to voice it to. People who don't know me well (in large group social setting like work or school) think I'm quiet and super sweet; people who know me wouldn't hesitate to say I'm one of the bitchiest people they know.

So the big fakers makes me wonder if the second level even exists? Because I'm sure as genuine as Wayne was when he offered me the bag of oranges I seemed as genuine when talking to another co-worker and asking about her son (when mentally categorizing her as a coke head who so over stepped the lines with my baby sister.) Not that Wayne would call me a coke head because, lets face it I'm not, but I'm pretty sure I'm making my point clear. And also what about those waaay too NiP...that can't really be that nice and do they realize that other people mock them? I'm not sure, that kind of makes me sad, and I do really feel bad for mocking the uber-NiPs but they kind of set themselves up for it.

Meh. So that's just some random musings for the day.


P.S. My mom still thinks I'm a level 2 NiP. Let's keep it that way. Kay? Thanks.

Entry One

Over the past couple of months I've had dinner with friends, you know the kind where you haven't seen them for a while and it's time to catch them up on what they've missed in your life in the months (or years) it's been since you last saw them. I listened to them talk about what was going on in their lives but then realized that when I talked about my life I always talked about it in terms of what was happening to the people in my life.

Heather moved to the middle of nowhere and is teaching on the reservation.

Emily and Sean got married in September.

It's not that these aren't a part of my life. I helped Heather move to the middle of nowhere, so I can actually vouch for the fact that there's literally nothing around her. And I was the Maid of Honor in Emily and Sean's wedding so it's not like that had nothing to do with me, because it did occupy months of my life. And I'm certainly not complaining for the most part I love my life, I love my friends and my family and the craziness that their lives add to mine.

But this year I sat the roomies down and said that this year every month we are going to do at least one thing that is worth talking about. Which btw they are not taking as seriously as me (but then of course no one ever does) they want to count next month's moving as an adventure pssh. Moving is boring and stressful and yes you could talk about it for an extended amount or you can just invite people over and let them see what your moving venture was all about.

So whatever. This post is for me to just sit down and reflect on things that are noteworthy daily because really life just could not possibly be as boring as I make it out to be. It's exciting and stressful and frustrating because it's life.

So. With that being said I must start reflecting on what interesting thing happened to me today that was worth mentioning.

Actually, I'm going to back track because every time I try to make myself focus on today I keep thinking about the woman I talked to when I worked on New Years Eve day. We're talking and I'm doing my boring work stuff and out of the blue she asks for my date of birth. Most of the time when people ask me random personal questions I kind of laugh it off and try and dodge it or I lie (I can't tell you how many creepy old men I have told that I was married). But I gave it to her and all of sudden she's giving me a like psychic reading for 2010 and gah, I can't lie I love psychics. And no, I'm not going to spend a million dollars on one to do a reading over the phone or plan my life around them but I do like to hear what they have to say. So I went even a step further and wrote it down in my binder and shall share for posterity.

She said that 2o10 will have a big focus on Education and Travel. Which I thinks really awesome because dude, come on, I love traveling and I've been talking about going to back to school for months now. Years? Meh, pretty much since I dropped out of Culinary School. She also told me to listen to my Mom, which I try to do anyway but it's nice having someone tell me that I should still listen to my mom. She also said that either I'm going to need my mom a lot this year or she's going to need me so either way I'm really trying to just be present in my mom's life because really she's so amazing. I spend so much time listening to how craptastic my friend's moms are and I'm just seriously so thankful to the mom I was given. She also said that I would start to build foundations in 2011, which is so funny because when we saw Madam Bonnie in May she said the same thing that marriage and all that serious stuff wouldn't even begin to be important to me for like two years. I'm also really beginning to think that I really put a vibe out there that my dad wasn't a part of my life because she mentioned that too. Oy.

Hmm, so this post isn't turning out the way I want it to and I have the feeling that the blog will be less about interesting things that are worth talking about and will probably be me talking about things that maybe aren't. Oh well. It's fun nonetheless.